Steve Jobs: A Visionary and an Adoptee

this post was written by our MSW Intern, Liz Mehaffey

In 1955, unmarried graduate students Abdulfattah John Jandali and Joanne Carole Schieble gave their child up for adoption. Schieble hoped her baby would be given a better future.

This child was adopted by Paul and Clara Jobs, and grew up to become the legendary Steve Jobs, co-founder and CEO of Apple, Inc.

On October 5, 2011, Steve Jobs left behind a remarkable legacy, and a world that will mourn his loss for years to come. Often compared to Thomas Edison for the caliber of his inventions, Steve Jobs was a visionary, and most recently named “Most Influential Man of the Year” by AskMen.

Stubbornly private in nature, Steve Jobs rarely mentioned his adoption. However, he was always quick to point out that his adopted parents were his parents. When asked by the New York Times what he would like to pass on to his children, Steve Jobs responded, "Just to try to be as good a father to them as my father was to me. I think about that every day."

In a 60 Minutes interview, Jobs remembered an interaction that many adoptees go through. When a childhood friend found out he was adopted, she asked,

“So does that mean your real parents didn’t want you?” Ooooh, lightning bolts went off in my head. I remember running into the house, I think I was (sic) crying, asking my parents. And they sat me down and they said, “No, you don’t understand. We specifically picked you out.” He said, “From then on, I realized that I was not just abandoned. I was chosen. I was special.”

In his 20s, Jobs conducted a search to find his biological family. Through that search, he found his biological sister, Mona Simpson. As the years progressed, he became closer to his sister, often displaying the books she authored in his office, and calling her frequently.

Adopted children come in all shapes and sizes, both young and old. And through adoption, foster children are given the opportunity to flourish and grow, and become part of a family that can love and support them. The Center understands that families are created through love, support and care. As an adoptee, and speaking for the Center, we believe that “There are no unwanted children, just unfound families”™.

Getting "Real"

It happens several times a week. Someone calls the Adoption Center and asks for help finding their "real" parents.

I admit it. This topic puts me in vulnerable overload! As an adoptive mom, I am both sensitive and defensive when I hear that phrase. I immediately want retort that birthing (to me, anyway) is different from parenting. And that one does not always follow or preclude the other. At that moment, I would like nothing more than to educate the person that those words are not necessarily true. And furthermore, that phrase affects adoptive parents, big time.

I work at being sensitive to the caller. As I cringe and keep my temper in check, I politely ask, "You are looking for your biological parents, then?" (Emphasis on the word "biological.")

"Yeah. I just want to find my real parents," they reiterate and then usually end up telling me a capsule version of why.

I swallow and count to three. Sometimes to four. Before I react, I work at responding – by putting myself in their place. Please realize: I do understand that need to know—whether based on a sense of loss, a desire for cultural identity, medical reasons, etc. I get that they are curious. (Were I in the same situation, I would probably be curious, too.) Furthermore, I respect their desire to search and reunite—whether to obtain closure or provide a new opening. Wanting to know one’s roots is instinctual and, for some, finding birth family members could even reframe their life path. I heartily “root” for any who can stay the course to do so.

But that isn’t the issue.

"Finding one’s birth parents isn't always easy…." I say quietly, emphasizing the word "birth,"-- again, working to respond rather than react, educate rather than rant. I calmly let them know there is no national database of all adoptions throughout the United States and that our office has no information that could help their search other than the information contained on our website.*

And while I don’t dissuade them, I am a voice of reason, letting them know that some states impose a waiting period, or maintain the adoptee must be a certain age, and many make the hoops one has to jump through for this coveted information pretty darn high.

Usually, they miss my quiet shift in language and continue to use the term "real" when referring to the people for whom they are searching – so my 15 second window to educate them in appropriate adoption language evaporates. But I am left wondering: how can I and other adoptive parents let others know that this phrase, as innocent as it may seem, hurts the feelings of a multitude of adoptive parents?

Birthing isn't parenting—yet! Parenting is the process of raising a child. To me, "real" parents (no matter biological, foster, or adoptive) are the ones who invest in the child they raise—through providing comfort, commitment, discipline, like, love and even tough love. All parents make choices in child rearing. Most plant love. Some abuse. Some sacrifice. Some mistreat. Some are selfish. And a great number instill faith, ethics and morality. Some ignore or abandon. Let's face it: there is no one standard in parenting or creating a family. "Real life" parenting is hard and doesn't guarantee real good parenting.


I hope that more universally accepted "real" definitions when referring to biological and adoptive parents could take root in our culture. A child's birth parents will always be their birth parents. No contest. But when they cannot or do not raise a child who later becomes adopted, they lose the chance to imprint through everyday "real" parenting. When adoptive parents work at parenting and raise their child(ren) through love and support, tenderness and concern, I think it more than qualifies them as ("real") parents. For real.


*The Adoption Center has gathered information on the basics of state laws and compiled a chart which references the basic information on search and reunion, include obtaining original birth certificates. Please visit www.adopt.org "Adoption Search and Reunion" section, "Searching Based on State" and click on the link National Adoption Search and Reunion Info.

Supporting Adoption by LGBT Parents

The National Adoption Center has always believed that families interested in adoption should not be discriminated against because of race, gender, disability or sexual orientation. Our 37 years of experience has taught us that all kinds of people can make wonderful parents. That’s why it is distressing to hear the unreasonable biases of critics of gay adoption who insist that lesbians or gay men cannot possibly raise children in a healthy way. All of us know of heterosexual families who do not make ideal parents. It is not the sexual orientation that matters. It is the love, caring and respect shown to children that determine how they feel about themselves, the confidence they have and ultimately how they will grow up.

One of the brightest, most alert and socially competent little girls we’ve ever met is being raised by lesbian parents. She is also extremely feminine, loves dresses and perfume and reads books about princesses. The concern that gay families will raise gay children is unfounded. After all, most lesbians and gay men were raised in heterosexual families. Adoption should be determined by the best interest of the child, and that means a home where he or she can experience unconditional love, be exposed to good values and be given an opportunity to develop her talents and skills with a prideful sense of accomplishment.

Public Displays of Child Abuse

SaraKay Smullens is a social worker, family therapist and author who practices in Philadelphia. She is our guest blogger for today.


It is a moment etched forever. My husband and I were in a New York theater; it was intermission. Returning to my seat I saw a woman about a decade younger than I am. She was kissing an adolescent seductively on the neck, as she rubbed her back. The young girl pulled away, and the woman slapped her hard across the face. I had no idea of the history of this adult and child. Was the older woman a mother, a caretaker? I waited until I saw where both were seated and left the theater to call the police. By the time they arrived, the play was over, and I could not find either the older woman or the adolescent.

This incident unnerved me because I have worked for so long with children and teenagers who suffer at the hands of both caretakers and family members. I know one thing for sure: abusive parents grew up in abusive homes. Without intervention, these cycles of abuse intensify as generations pass. Children in abusive homes are in danger, and unless the parents receive intensive help which they have taken seriously and to heart, that will not change.

If you witness child abuse, call the police or the department of human services in your area. Many have a child abuse hot line. These families need a lot of help. Over the years, I have urged our city officials and those leading child welfare programs to train a team of professionals—lawyers, police, physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, therapists—that a vulnerable family could rely on, a team that could be there for them 24/7 when they face inner terrors or dangerous choices. And I have urged also that experienced supervisors be there with consistency for this team because working with these families is draining, unnerving and unsettling.

For the sad reality is that some biological parents can not or will not ever know how to provide homes that are safe and caring. While no one likes to see children separated from their parents, sometimes there is no better solution than finding a loving family to adopt the child and give him or her a better life. When adoption is necessary, the family and the child do not require an exact cultural match. What is necessary is a home offering love and safety. What better example of this than our 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, who spent the bulk of his formative years cared for, protected and loved by his white maternal grandparents.

Meanwhile, if you witness an incident not sufficient for police or child welfare agency intervention, but nonetheless disturbing, there is something you can do. For instance, if you see a mom demeaning a child in a public place, it is probably not smart for you to confront the mom immediately. I suggest waiting until things have settled down. At that time, you can approach the parent and say something like, “I have been noticing what a beautiful child you have. You are just so fortunate.” The parent may be stunned at your kindness and the compliments you offer. And you may be putting a drop of kindness into a painful void that could help the parent see her child and herself in a new light.

Single Parents

The recent National Center for Health Statistics' National Survey of Family Growth reports that “men adopt twice as often as women—2.3 percent of men versus 1.1 percent of women.” This reflects a national trend in which the number of single fathers more than doubled from 1.1 million to 2.5 million between 1990 and 2006. These statistics are promising, but the numbers can be misleading. Researchers have attributed the growth in the number of men involved in adoptions mainly to men who adopt their divorced or widowed wives’ children and to gay male couples. Furthermore, four out of five single-parent families are still headed by women.

Despite this, any growth in the involvement of single fathers in raising children is good news. The roles of parents have become more flexible in recent years, and single father households are no longer seen as a rarity. Mothers are often given parental responsibility by default, regardless of their ability to provide the optimal environment for their children, while fathers are held minimally accountable. If these societal stereotypes are abandoned, placing children whose mothers are unfit parents into foster care will no longer be seen as the only alternative. Likewise, many single men who would not previously have thought of adopting may see adoption from foster care as the best choice. There are a plethora of issues to consider regarding expectations and responsibilities that hopefully can further the situation of children who are already in or face the possibility of being in foster care.

Holidays and the Blues

Holidays can be a difficult time for adopted children and their families. This time of year can remind a child of difficult holidays in the past or, on the other hand, make them long to be around people that are no longer in their lives. It is important to respect the unique difficulties that your child will face, but not to allow them to dwell upon the negative aspects of the holiday season. The best thing to alleviate a child’s holiday blues is to provide as many shared experiences as possible, especially if it’s your family’s first Christmas together. By creating new traditions, you will ensure that subsequent holidays are easier and more enjoyable for the whole family.

There are many ways for your family to bond over the holidays. Holiday pictures are a great way to make your child feel that they truly are a part of the family. Help your child to create hand-made gifts for friends and loved ones. This is a great opportunity for your child to open up to those around them and also provides a creative outlet that will distract them from feelings of loss or loneliness. The best gifts are not necessarily store-bought. If your child is old enough, try to get them involved with a charitable cause this holiday season. For example, animal shelters are always in need of supplies, so getting your child involved in making a donation can help them feel good about themselves. Come up with some other ideas to make sure that this is you child’s best holiday ever.

LGBT Adoptions

England’s 2007 Sexual Orientation Regulations “outlaw discrimination on the grounds of sexual orientation in the provision of goods, facilities and services.” One of these services is adoption, a service that is often provided by the Catholic Church. Many Church agencies have severed ties with the Church in order to comply with new legislation and carry on with their duties, while others have closed their doors in the face of such changes. In some situations, such as in the case of The Westminster Catholic Children's Society, clergy have either outright ignored legislation or have attempted to find loopholes that allow them to continue practicing discriminatory adoption.

Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor, president of the aforementioned Westminster Catholic Children's Society, made clear his intention to exclusively place children with heterosexuals. Since his announcement over the summer, five agencies in the United Kingdom have disclaimed control by the Church and one has ceased to function as an adoption agency. These cases reflect a mixed reaction by the Church over former Prime Minster Tony Blair’s “support [of] the right of gay couples to apply to adopt like any other couple.” While it is too soon to declare a victory for either side, some agencies have expressed no intention to comply with the fast-approaching legislation deadline.

A significant minority of adoptions are arranged by the Catholic Church in Great Britain and the United States. The Church’s unprecedented role in the care and adoption of foster children cannot be overstated. This does not, however, justify their defiance of legislation which advances the rights of members of the LGBT community to adopt. As of January 1st 2009 any Catholic adoption agency that attempts to prevent a gay or lesbian couple from adopting based upon their sexual orientation could face legal action.

Will lawmakers in England allow Church agencies to continue practicing an incredibly valuable service even if they continue to disregard new legislation? The worst case scenario would echo the Catholic Charities of Boston’s’ 2006 decision to stop working in adoption after state laws were passed allowing adoptions by LGBT-identified people. Governments have previously discussed granting exemptions to the church, but in the case of Great Britain, Prime Minister Blair’s outgoing support for the legislation has been maintained. A 2006 Pew Center survey indicated that 46% of Americans are in favor of allowing gays to adopt, up from 38% in 1999. Perhaps it is time for the Catholic Church to reassess its stance on those of the LGBT community to adopt.