Making a Difference in a Child's Life

Sometimes late, late night TV provides a different breed of “info-mercial.” The Oprah Winfrey Show does a rebroadcast in our area during the overnight hours, and a few days ago, disgruntled that I couldn’t sleep, I tuned in to the second half of a show filled with “info”-rmation which has undeniably impacted my heart.

The show’s topic was the effects of child neglect. The part I watched focused on a couple who adopted a child after seeing her at a Heart Gallery event. An adoptive mother myself, I was drawn to watch the unfolding of the story of how then eight-year old Danielle had been found living in deplorable conditions with her biological mother. The child was severely neglected, but her mother did not even consider asking the assistance of human services. The hard facts: at the time this child’s case came to light, she was nearly 9 years old, drank from a baby bottle, wore diapers, was afraid to be touched, obsessed over food because she was underfed, and had “terrible twos” tantrums.

Even before she married, something in Diane’s heart told her that adoption was a thing she was “supposed to do.” And Bernie said he simply “knew” Danielle should be part of their family.

Diane and Bernie already had a family of 4 biological sons, most of whom were grown and out of the house by the time they were introduced to Danielle. Did they take a risk by adopting her? Sure. Has it been easy for them or their other children? If you go to www.oprah.com and watch the video, you will see that making Danielle part of their family has been and is challenging. But as Diane told the TV audience: she saw a person somewhere in the blank stare of Danielle’s eyes.

Danielle was removed from her biological mother’s care but, considered a difficult child to place in foster care, was slated to be institutionalized. At the time of the adoption, this “special needs” 8-year old was considered to be have a developmental age of 6- to 18-months. After more than a year and a half with her adoptive family, that age was assessed as an 18- to 36 month old. Even though her development is lagging, she has made progress. She has learned to use the toilet. She is working on eating by herself. She swims. She cuddles. She has grown--because she is loved, thanks to her “forever family!”

Moving hearts with stories of passion and compassion is a lifework of Oprah. It would be my hope that Oprah and other TV hosts would continue to bring “info”-mercials of this caliber to raise awareness about children who need acceptance and love.

I would hope they would also showcase that levels of child “neglect” are often much more subtle than in Danielle’s case. That, for example, there are presently over 125,000 children and teens in foster care awaiting adoption, and that some of these children have been in the “system” for years. I imagine how powerful it would be for TV audiences to hear firsthand from a teen what it is like to be shuttled from home to home, school to school. Or to listen to a 9 year old talk about living in a group home. Or how a child of any age who longs for a family feels about not being hugged on a regular basis or rarely, if ever, hears the words “I love you.”

While it is sometimes fun to see big name celebrities talk about their lives with TV hosts, and other times great to watch the hosts cook and dance, I feel it is topics like this—weighty, meaty, relevant to a change of heart and perspective for our country and world—that can propel humanity forward knowing that we each make history by our choices every day.

As a team member of the National Adoption Center, I personally answer calls daily from people who are curious about what it takes to extend the borders of their family and adopt a child in need of a loving, permanent home. Many people don’t know the benefits of adoption. Whether a person is single, in a committed relationship, gay, straight, lesbian or bisexual, they can choose adoption. Our motto is “there are no unwanted children, only unfound families.”

This family inspired me. They, indeed, made history through their choice. There is no question: children with special needs are in need! Armed with the right “info”-mation, an answer can be clear: adoption is a great choice! Are you ready to take the chance and make it yours?

written by Nancy Barton

Public Displays of Child Abuse

SaraKay Smullens is a social worker, family therapist and author who practices in Philadelphia. She is our guest blogger for today.


It is a moment etched forever. My husband and I were in a New York theater; it was intermission. Returning to my seat I saw a woman about a decade younger than I am. She was kissing an adolescent seductively on the neck, as she rubbed her back. The young girl pulled away, and the woman slapped her hard across the face. I had no idea of the history of this adult and child. Was the older woman a mother, a caretaker? I waited until I saw where both were seated and left the theater to call the police. By the time they arrived, the play was over, and I could not find either the older woman or the adolescent.

This incident unnerved me because I have worked for so long with children and teenagers who suffer at the hands of both caretakers and family members. I know one thing for sure: abusive parents grew up in abusive homes. Without intervention, these cycles of abuse intensify as generations pass. Children in abusive homes are in danger, and unless the parents receive intensive help which they have taken seriously and to heart, that will not change.

If you witness child abuse, call the police or the department of human services in your area. Many have a child abuse hot line. These families need a lot of help. Over the years, I have urged our city officials and those leading child welfare programs to train a team of professionals—lawyers, police, physicians, psychiatrists, psychologists, social workers, therapists—that a vulnerable family could rely on, a team that could be there for them 24/7 when they face inner terrors or dangerous choices. And I have urged also that experienced supervisors be there with consistency for this team because working with these families is draining, unnerving and unsettling.

For the sad reality is that some biological parents can not or will not ever know how to provide homes that are safe and caring. While no one likes to see children separated from their parents, sometimes there is no better solution than finding a loving family to adopt the child and give him or her a better life. When adoption is necessary, the family and the child do not require an exact cultural match. What is necessary is a home offering love and safety. What better example of this than our 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, who spent the bulk of his formative years cared for, protected and loved by his white maternal grandparents.

Meanwhile, if you witness an incident not sufficient for police or child welfare agency intervention, but nonetheless disturbing, there is something you can do. For instance, if you see a mom demeaning a child in a public place, it is probably not smart for you to confront the mom immediately. I suggest waiting until things have settled down. At that time, you can approach the parent and say something like, “I have been noticing what a beautiful child you have. You are just so fortunate.” The parent may be stunned at your kindness and the compliments you offer. And you may be putting a drop of kindness into a painful void that could help the parent see her child and herself in a new light.

Survey of Youth in Foster Care

Washington State just published the results of a survey of youths in foster care in 2007. The youths in question were ages 15-18. There are some really interesting results in this survey. We'll examine a few in forthcoming posts.

Today, let's focus on what the youths thought about their preparedness for life after foster care. Typically at age 18 a youth "ages out" of the system and is on his or her own to find a place to live, find a job, find a way to continue his or her education.

In the survey (full text can be found here), 37% of the respondents participated in an Independent Living or a Transitional Living program. Of those who were facing aging out within 6 months of the survey, 26% felt very prepared to live on their own, 51%, somewhat prepared, and 23% not very or not at all prepared.

Through adoption, one creates the network which will assist a youth growing into adulthood. This network, family, is something we believe all children are entitled to. How prepared were you at 18 to handle all of life's responsibilities with little to no help or guidance?

White House Conference for Children Bill

As an organization we have signed on in support of the Child Welfare League of America's effort to get a White House Conference on Children & Youth. Upon congressional approval, a conference would be held in 2010 at the White House re-establishing conferences that took place every ten years from 1910 to 1970. Typically there is one year of local, state and tribal events to gather input and momentum in advance of the conference. Participants would include state officials, court and legal representatives, providers, children, tribal representatives and other parties effected by or involved with the child welfare system.

Why are we supporting this conference? Because it covers solely child welfare, it would focus attention on issues from prevention, intervention to permanency including reunification, kinship care and adoption. The timing of the event, early in a new presidency, should get the candidates to address child welfare issues in their campaigns and to have these topics on their agendas early in their terms.

What can you do? First and foremost you can contact your Senators and Representatives in Congress and urge them to support this. Call 202/224-3121 to connect to Congress. Go to the CWLA's website for further information.