Getting "Real"

It happens several times a week. Someone calls the Adoption Center and asks for help finding their "real" parents.

I admit it. This topic puts me in vulnerable overload! As an adoptive mom, I am both sensitive and defensive when I hear that phrase. I immediately want retort that birthing (to me, anyway) is different from parenting. And that one does not always follow or preclude the other. At that moment, I would like nothing more than to educate the person that those words are not necessarily true. And furthermore, that phrase affects adoptive parents, big time.

I work at being sensitive to the caller. As I cringe and keep my temper in check, I politely ask, "You are looking for your biological parents, then?" (Emphasis on the word "biological.")

"Yeah. I just want to find my real parents," they reiterate and then usually end up telling me a capsule version of why.

I swallow and count to three. Sometimes to four. Before I react, I work at responding – by putting myself in their place. Please realize: I do understand that need to know—whether based on a sense of loss, a desire for cultural identity, medical reasons, etc. I get that they are curious. (Were I in the same situation, I would probably be curious, too.) Furthermore, I respect their desire to search and reunite—whether to obtain closure or provide a new opening. Wanting to know one’s roots is instinctual and, for some, finding birth family members could even reframe their life path. I heartily “root” for any who can stay the course to do so.

But that isn’t the issue.

"Finding one’s birth parents isn't always easy…." I say quietly, emphasizing the word "birth,"-- again, working to respond rather than react, educate rather than rant. I calmly let them know there is no national database of all adoptions throughout the United States and that our office has no information that could help their search other than the information contained on our website.*

And while I don’t dissuade them, I am a voice of reason, letting them know that some states impose a waiting period, or maintain the adoptee must be a certain age, and many make the hoops one has to jump through for this coveted information pretty darn high.

Usually, they miss my quiet shift in language and continue to use the term "real" when referring to the people for whom they are searching – so my 15 second window to educate them in appropriate adoption language evaporates. But I am left wondering: how can I and other adoptive parents let others know that this phrase, as innocent as it may seem, hurts the feelings of a multitude of adoptive parents?

Birthing isn't parenting—yet! Parenting is the process of raising a child. To me, "real" parents (no matter biological, foster, or adoptive) are the ones who invest in the child they raise—through providing comfort, commitment, discipline, like, love and even tough love. All parents make choices in child rearing. Most plant love. Some abuse. Some sacrifice. Some mistreat. Some are selfish. And a great number instill faith, ethics and morality. Some ignore or abandon. Let's face it: there is no one standard in parenting or creating a family. "Real life" parenting is hard and doesn't guarantee real good parenting.


I hope that more universally accepted "real" definitions when referring to biological and adoptive parents could take root in our culture. A child's birth parents will always be their birth parents. No contest. But when they cannot or do not raise a child who later becomes adopted, they lose the chance to imprint through everyday "real" parenting. When adoptive parents work at parenting and raise their child(ren) through love and support, tenderness and concern, I think it more than qualifies them as ("real") parents. For real.


*The Adoption Center has gathered information on the basics of state laws and compiled a chart which references the basic information on search and reunion, include obtaining original birth certificates. Please visit www.adopt.org "Adoption Search and Reunion" section, "Searching Based on State" and click on the link National Adoption Search and Reunion Info.

Access to Original Birth Certificates

Governor Quinn of Illinois recently signed into law provisions for adult adoptive children to finally receive their original birth certificates. In the viewpoint of the National Adoption Center, making birth record information more accessible to adopted adults is a good thing and very important.

We receive numerous phone calls and emails from adult adoptees about the question of search and reunion with birth family. Often the first step is locating the original birth certificate. Adults who were adopted as infants or young children are the most common group of people searching for adoption information and birth relatives and most often the search is for the birth mother. When we can, we provide search resources to those who want to search but, unfortunately, the legwork is really up to the adult adoptee. The Center’s public policy supports the rights of adoptees to their original birth certificates and all medical and historical records.

The new law in Illinois has some provisions on openness; effective immediately all children and parents involved in an adoption that took place before 1946 can get their birth certificates, however, for those in later situations, the state is going to spend one and half years notifying birth parents and adoptive adults that they need to contact the state to let them know if they wish to be found. After Nov 15, 2011, those involved in adoption can request birth certificates and if no other party has filed an objection, the birth certificate will be sent.

Some adult adoptees just have to find their birth families to answer the questions about where and who they come from and what genetic traits they inherited. Others decide to leave Pandora’s box closed. They all deserve what those of us who are not adopted just take for granted; the ability to get access to their personal information when and if they want it.

Birth-sibling Relationships

I was catching up on some reading this weekend and came across this article from January's issue of Psychology Today Two-Minute Memoir: Alternate Family. Written by an adoptive dad, it explores the choice to assist his daughter in finding her biological sister. The sisters had been placed with two separate agencies and thus with separate adoptive families.

The family had planned on waiting until the child reached 18 to let her do her own birthfamily search, if she felt she wished to at that point. However life had thrown some curveballs and the family decided to find the one sibling they knew about. In the article he explores the fear the family had and how they worked with their daughter to manage the situation. And the new world opened to them through adoption.

Read the article to find out the details. What have been your experiences with the biological family of your child? Any tips or strategies you used?