part 2 of a 3 part series
Most good drama plots are crafted to keep the viewers interested and
this one followed suit: the young doctor and his wife end up renting in
the small apartment building of the older parents searching for their
son. You see where this is going: yes, indeed, the miracle of the small
screen brought these two families (really one family) together.
Traditions of the “old country” clash with the newly-from-America
couple. Episode after episode both sides search for what is right
beneath their noses. Not without some antics and emotions we discover
(and finally so do they) that the doctor from America is their son! Ah,
if only search and reunion would be as magical for all who embark.
The
scenes of him as a lost young boy and those when he was adjusting to
living in an orphanage were some of the most memorable. The drama
portrayed beautifully how he misjudged his own feelings about love and
family. How he couldn’t understand what had happened. Why had he been
abandoned? He was confused and ashamed and blamed himself for
everything. His memories became blocked. He bottled his emotions to the
point that he would not speak or laugh. And he was quite inconsolable.
Asian born prospective parents living in the United States learned about
and fostered then adopted him, giving him unimagined experiences and
opportunities. His adoptive family consisted of parents and a brother,
and he sought out other adoptees among his classmates. The viewer gets
the impression that it was a slow process to get him to stop crying
every day and draw him out of his shell, but from the caring and
understanding of his adoptive family, he experienced healing. As he
drank in their love, he became uber loving.
Just as poignant
are the scenes of his birth family members following every lead.
Flashbacks showed how each of them was heartsick, powerless to do much
else. Showing, too, how they coped with life and put up with each other
through this unforeseen and devastating loss. Their growing depression
and sadness as individuals and as a family was so believable, I could
often feel the weight of the mantle on their shoulders.
The
shock of the adult doctor learning that not only were his birth parents
still alive but living next door, was captured well. The nuances of
family life (in his birth family he was the only son in a family of four
children) in an honorific society (three generations lived
together—grandmother, parents, and sisters with extended family in the
same building) were new—not to mention somewhat awkward. In more comic
than tragic scenes, the viewer is able to see the twists and turns of
how challenging it was for his wife to accept and (gulp) finally
like—even love—her in-laws. (The series opens with her declaration that
one of the main reasons—apart from love—she married her husband was
because he was adopted. She rationalized that since he was an orphan she
would not need to deal with the cultural norm of serving and living
near/with in-laws, a proposition that sounded almost too good to be
true; dealing with his adoptive parents half a world away was much
easier.) She was less than thrilled when he acted on his hope to search
for his birth family. Her shock in learning the lady next door that she
bickered with day in and out was her mother-in-law? Priceless.
While the feelings of loss by birth parents and son are explored in
depth, in later episodes we have the chance to meet his foster/adoptive
parents when they visit. His birth parents are shocked by the way he
talks, jokes and even wrestles with his adoptive dad. They realize how
formal and timid they are in loving him. It becomes apparent that the
focus of finding their son was their ideal, yet coming to love him as a
person/an adult was another thing entirely.
We learn more of the
adoptive family’s story and how they struggled to get their son to open
up and be himself with them. They were not always confident about how
to love him. Wondering who he had been before the trauma of separation.
Wondering if they were doing a good job. Wondering if his family would
search for and find him. More healing took place as the two fathers
talked and learned from each other. The same happened with the mothers.
But most moving was the outpouring of genuine thanks each set of parents
offered the other.
What this brought to me the idea was nature
vs. nurture, illusion versus reality and that perhaps expectations in
searching for birth family is heartfelt but may not live up to one’s
imagination. Once someone searches for their ideal and then finds the
reality, what then? Search and reunion is a step in the process of
healing, too. In this story, the birth parents seem a bit hurt
(understandably) that he doesn’t totally favor them only. In fact, he is
quite even and measured in his love for and reactions toward all of
them. Remarkably, I see this with myself and our daughter, too. I am the
one who is a bit hurt that she doesn’t favor us only. Yet she, in her
wisdom, heals me by her steadfast love for her (entire) family—times
two.
The actors are a remarkable troupe. I couldn’t help wonder
how much research they did into adoption or if some of them have
personal connections to adoption. The birth mother, portrayed by a
veteran actress, was totally convincing in her role. I cheered with her
when she found her son. Yet when she treated his wife condescendingly, I
became upset. What she learned about the circumstances of the
separation made me re-think my upset. When the story went deeper into
her psyche and her story, the viewer learns the real reason for the
separation and how and why she particularly struggled. Her memories
triggered, we are able to see how much she suffered in silence and took
the mental abuse and cold shoulder from both her mother-in-law and
husband. And even as an adoptive mother, I could almost feel how alone a
birth mother separated from her child would feel.
For over 30
years the birth parents lived under the shroud of guilt and pointed the
finger of blame at one another and themselves. They envisioned his life
was tough (wondering, of course, was he even still alive). They had no
idea where he was or
who he was. They had no idea what a kind and
giving person he had become, flourishing with chances, love and
laughter through his adoption. With only their memories of him as a
little boy, they were disheartened and felt that his life was ruined.
But upon meeting and talking to the parents who raised their son for the
bulk of his life, they saw how living with guilt had done nothing to
help him but had made their lives miserable. Also, they began to
recognize that they were walking on eggshells around this adult son they
did not know, they worked on ways not to be strangers. Unexpectedly,
each of them began to change, opening up and finding grace, forgiving
themselves and one another for things they never had the courage to talk
about. This was an eye into the heart of birth families separated from
their children, regardless of why.
What is interesting is though
the doctor worked to build bonds and was quick to embrace his
grandmother, parents, sisters, aunts, uncles and niece as family, he
does not pit one of his families against the other. He offers both sets
of parents treasured (and expected by the culture) filial piety. He is
benevolent and works to put them (not to mention his wife) at ease. He
neither chooses one family over another nor takes for granted the love
that either family gives him—even though that love is expressed in such
different ways. When his birth mother harshly criticizes his wife, he
defends his spouse and politely, but firmly, insists his mother talk to
him if she has any more such grievances. He does it with such sincerity,
his mother stops in her tracks. Despite being hurt by these words, his
birth parents marvel at his good character, attributing that to how he
was raised. This makes them feel a bit intimidated to meet his “other”
family. But his integration of feelings for both sides is quite notable.
He forgives. He loves. Period. Both sides. Both families.
His
birth mother and father stressed over what to wear when greeting their
son’s adoptive parents at the airport. Careful to choose just the right
dress/sports jacket, jewelry and such, they wondered if they would make a
good enough impression. Would his adoptive parents think they are
pretentious? Would they send the right message and be welcoming enough?
Off the plane walks his adoptive parents in blue jeans, plaid shirts and
vests—comfortable, casual and so themselves. They might have been
honored (not to mention apprehensive) to meet his birth family, but what
I was most struck by is they were happy to see and be with
their son!
At
one point in the story the doctor and his wife learn they are pregnant
(although neither of them wanted a child). Yet there is a second
“generation” of adoption that comes into play for them. At the hospital
the doctor meets an orphan who is a patient (the word “orphan” was used
in subtitles or perhaps because the child lived in a group
home/orphanage). He sees how much this young boy was like himself at
that age—frustrated that he couldn’t communicate about how lonely and
scared he was. We get to see more snatches of the doctor as a little boy
as he unlocks the memories of his younger self, forgiving the
circumstances of what happened, and then living with greater inner
freedom.
This story had a number of pinnacles. Here is one. The
little boy did not talk (just like the doctor when he was little).
Through flashbacks we see the intense pent-up feelings of the doctor at
that age. He took the boy for a walk and with extreme tenderness and
knowing counsels him, “It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault.”
Learning the circumstances of his own life in the orphanage (which I
won’t reveal in case you decide to watch this series), leads him to
understand that forgiveness is indeed noble and mighty and essential to
healing. This is a gift he received from his adoptive parents and birth
parents alike which he can give to this young boy who feels unloved and
unsure about life.
The next scene shows the doctor as a little
boy comforting this little boy in the present day. The little boy began
to smile when he realizes that the doctor (as a child) is his friend.
And the viewer senses how much he would like to father this little boy
permanently. In his heart, he consciously
decided to parent.
Another pinnacle: the realization by the doctor’s wife about the
miracle of adoption. At one point the little boy wanders from the
hospital. She hears that he has been picked up by the police and is at
the station. On behalf of her husband, she goes to the station to pick
him up. He sobs and clings to her skirt, uttering the first word the
audience hears him say--“Mom!” It seems he decided she
should parent.
Even
when the couple becomes pregnant, she can’t help but think of that
little boy who doesn’t talk and has little joy in his life. While her
husband has broached the subject of adopting him, she tells him she
can’t commit to that. Yet she suggests they buy him a gift and deliver
it personally. The boy smiles when he puts on his new clothes, but his
countenance drops again when they leave. They wave and promise to come
visit soon again.
When they get to the car, the doctor’s wife
remembers she has another package to give to the orphanage but on her
way to the office is shocked by what she sees. Middle-schoolers and
their parents have come to do “community service” work at the orphanage.
A middle school boy wants to take a picture with the little boy.
Because he does not smile for the posed picture the mother of the
middle-schooler is infuriated. She wants to get a good picture to prove
her son did his community service work and made a good impression. She
literally pushes away the little boy and with a chocolate bar entices a
little girl who does smile to take a picture with her son.
The
doctor’s wife sees how dejected the little boy is and begins to yell at
the middle-schooler’s mother who retorts, “Well, just who are you to
him?”
“Me? I am (large pause)-- his
mother.” With the
fury of a true Tiger Mother, the doctor’s wife defends the little boy
and realizes how unexpectedly love for him has settled in her heart. She
and her husband look into adoption, but don’t find an easy road.
Even
though they feel resolute and excited at the prospect, when they
announce this to the entire family, they face an additional roadblock:
his parents do not agree. For them, the topic of adoption is
bittersweet. However, the doctor’s father relents and declares he will
be there for this young boy, happy to help raise him since he never had a
chance to raise his own son. His mother makes no such statement. Those
of us watching wonder, will this stop the couple?
